Pacific Views: Death by Healthy Doses

December 04, 2011

Death by Healthy Doses

... by Walter Brasch

They buried Bouldergrass today. The cause of death was listed as "media-induced health."

Bouldergrass had begun his health crusade more than a decade ago when he began reading more than the sports pages of his local newspaper, subscribed to his first magazine, and decided TV news could be informative if it didn't mention anything about wars, famines, and poverty.

Based on what he read and saw in the media, Bouldergrass moved from smog-bound Los Angeles to a rural community in scenic green Vermont, gave up alcohol and a two-pack-a-day cigarette habit, and was immediately hospitalized for having too much oxygen in his body.

To burn off some of that oxygen, he joined America's "beautiful people" on the jogging paths where the media helped him believe he was sweating out the bad karma. In less than a year, the karma left his body which was now coexisting with leg cramps, fallen arches, and several compressed disks. But at least he was as healthy as all the ads told him he could be.

To make sure he didn't get skin cancer from being in the sun too long, he slathered four pounds of No. 35 sunblock on his body every time he ran, and went to suntan parlors twice a week to get that "healthy glow" advertisers told him he needed. He stopped blocking when he learned that suntan parlors weren't good for your health, and that the ingredients in the lotions could cause cancer. So, he wore a jogging suit that covered more skin than an Arab woman's black chador with veil - and developed a severe case of heat exhaustion.

From ultrathin models and billions of dollars in weight-reducing advertising that told him "thin was in," he began a series of crash diets. When he was down to 107 pounds, advertising told him he needed to "bulk up" to be a "real man." So, he began lifting weights and playing racquetball three hours a day. Four groin pulls and seven back injuries later, he had just 6 percent body fat, and a revolving charge account with his local orthopedist.

Several years earlier, Bouldergrass had stopped eating veal as part of a protest of America's inhumane treatment of animals destined for supermarkets. Now, in an "enlightened" age of health, he gave up all meat, not because of mankind's cruelty to animals, but because the media revealed that vascular surgeons owned stock in meat packing companies. Besides, it was the "healthy" thing to do.

He gave up pasta when he saw a TV report about the microscopic creepy crawlers that infest most dough.

He gave up drinking soda and began drinking juice, until he read a report that said apple juice had higher than normal levels of arsenic.

He ate soup because it was healthy and so Mmm Mmm Good, until he learned that soup had more salt than Lot's wife. When he found low-salt soup, he again had a cup a day-until last month when he gave it up because a Harvard study revealed that soup cans contained significant amounts of Bisphenol-A-, which can lead to cancer and heart disease.

For a couple of years, lured by a multi-million dollar ad campaign and innumerable articles in the supermarket tabloids, Bouldergrass ate only oat bran muffins for breakfast and a diet of beta carotenes for lunch, until he found himself spending more time in the bathroom than at work. He eliminated the muffins entirely after reading an article that told him eating oatmeal, bran, and hood ornaments from Buick Roadsters were bad for your health.

Bouldergrass gave up milk when he learned that acid rain fell onto pastures and was eaten by cows. When he learned that industrial conglomerates had dumped everything from drinking water to radioactive waste into streams and rivers, he stopped eating fish. For awhile, based upon conflicting reports in the media, he juggled low-calorie, low-fat, and low-carbohydrate diets until his body systems dropped into the low end of inertia.

At the movies, he smuggled in packets of oleo to squeeze onto plain popcorn until he was bombarded by news stories that revealed oleo was as bad as butter and that most theatrical popcorn was worse than an all-day diet of sirloin.

When he learned that coffee and chocolate were unhealthy, he gave up an addiction to getting high from caffeine and sugar, and was now forced to work 12-hour days without any stimulants other than the fear of what his children were doing while he was at work.

Unfortunately, he soon had to give up decaffeinated coffee and sugarless candy with cyclamates since both caused laboratory mice to develop an incurable yen to listen to music from the Grand Funk Railroad.

He gave up pizza when the media reported that certain "health care investigators" claimed pizza was little more than junk food. But, he began eating several slices a day to improve his health when Congress, fattened by lobbyists campaigns, last month declared frozen pizza was a vegetable. He figured it made sense, since three decades earlier the Reagan administration had declared catsup to be a vegetable, and five years ago the Department of Agriculture decided butter-coated french fries were a vegetable.

Left with a diet of fruits and vegetables, he was lean and trim. Until he accidentally stumbled across a protest by an environmental group which complained that the use of pesticides on farm crops was a greater health hazard than the bugs the pesticides were supposed to kill. Even the city's polluted water couldn't clean off all the pesticides. That's also when he stopped taking showers, and merely poured a gallon of distilled water over his head every morning.

For weeks, he survived on buckets of vitamins because the magazines told him that's what he should do. Then, after reading an article that artificial vitamins shaped like the Flintstones caused dinosaur rot, he also gave them up.

The last time I saw Bouldergrass, he was in a hospital room claiming to see visions of monster genetic tomatoes squishing their way toward him. He was mumbling something about cholesterol and high density lipoproteins. Tubes were sticking out of every opening in his emaciated body, as well as a couple of openings that hadn't been there when he first checked in.

In one last attempt to regain his health, Bouldergrass enlisted in Michelle Obama's Let's Move army. But the only movement he was doing was when the nurses flipped him so he wouldn't get bed sores.

Shortly before he died, he pulled me near him, asked that I write his obit, and in a throaty whisper begged, "Make sure you tell them that thanks to what I learned from the media, I died healthy."

[Walter Brasch, a robust figure of health, doesn't follow anyone's advice on what is or is not healthy. His latest book is the critically-acclaimed Before the First Snow, a social issues mystery novel. Brasch says the book is a great Christmas or Chanukah gift, and increased sales will improve his own mental, if not physical, health.]

Posted by Walter Brasch at December 4, 2011 10:41 AM | Humor | Technorati links |

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شركة صيانة مكيفات فى الرياض و هذا بشرط الخبرة الطويلة في هذا المجال الذي يحتاج شركة مكافحة النمل الابيض بجدة الي مهارة و حرفة من نوع خاص و كل هذا و اكثر تجدوه متوفر في فني الكهرباء بالكويت نقدم في شركة تسليك مجاري بالكويت ابادة حشرات بجدة خدماتنا العديدة والمتنوعة للأفراد والشركات والمطاعم والفنادق و حجر هاشمي هيصم المدارس والمخازن والمساجد والمحلات التجارية والمصانع والأراضي الزراعية ومخازن فنى كهرباء بالكويت الحبوب والأسمدة الزراعية خدماتنا في شركة مكافحة حشرات بجدة متوفرة شركات التنظيف فى دبي في جميع أنحاء جدة والمناطق المحيطة بها من اجل خدمات سريعة ومضمونة في الوقت المناسب شركة تنظيف كنب بجدة خدمات عديدة ومتنوعة من اجل بيئة أفضل خالية من الحشرات والقوارض.

Posted by: mostafakhames at April 8, 2019 01:25 AM

الاتقان فى العمل من صفات معلم صحى بالكويت شركة نقل عفش بجدة شركة سهر العالمية حجر فرعونى للواجهات تعمل على توفير الجودة والاتقان فى العمل اثناء تادية خدمة نقل العفش وحتى شركة تسليك مجاري في الكويت بعد تأديتها والانتهاء منها حيث اننا نكون فى متابعة مع العميل شركة تنظيف مكيفات بالخبر حتى نستفسر عن رضائة فى اداء الخدمة التي حصل عليها وهل هناك شركة تنظيف بالبخار فى جدة اي مشاكل تعرض لها أثناء تأدية الخدمة ويعتبر هذا النظام التسويقي من اكثر الطرق شركة نقل اثاث بجدة الناجحة وخاصة اننا نعيش فى عالم كبير من المنافسة اذا لم يتم مراعاة
المورد الأساسي الذي يعمل شركة تنظيف دكت تكييفات بجدة على زيادة دخل شركات نقل عفش بجدة لن تستمر فى العمل فإذا أردت عزيزي العميل تحقيق شركة تنظيف مكيفات بجازان عملية نقل تتم بطريقة آمنة ومستوى خدمة عالية فان شركة نقل عفش بجدة هي افضل شركة تصميم مواقع فى الرياض الاختيار الامثل عملية نقل الاثاث دائمة ومستمرة ما بين الحين شركة نقل عفش بالكويت والاخر حيث يقوم الناس بالتنقل دائما من مكان الي اخر ويقومون شركة تسويق الكتروني بالرياض بنقل العفش وقد يستعين بعض الناس بأشخاص غير متخصصين في عملية نقل العفش افضل شركة نقل عفش بمكة فيقومون بنقل العفش بطريقة عشوائية وغير منضبطة فتؤدي الي وقوع خسائر بالعفش من خدوش وكسور .

Posted by: mostafakhames at April 8, 2019 03:23 PM

تحتاج الشقق الي عملية تنظيف مستمرة شركة تجهيز ملاعب بكل مشتملاتها من سجاد وستائر وكنب و أثاث وأرضيات شركة تجهيز ملاعب ترتان وغيره وذلك لأنهم عرضة دائما التعرض للأتربة و الغبار شركة نجيل صناعى والملوثات التي قد تسبب الأمراض لأصحاب المنزل لذا ارضيات مطاط للجيم إذا كنت تريد المحافظة على صحتك فعليك باللجوء إلي شركة تنظيف شركة صيانة حمامات سباحة شقق بالبخار بمكة الشركات هي مصدر من مصادر الدخل بالنسبة لرجال شركة تنسيق حدائق الأعمال والعاملين فيها ، ويتم دخول وخروج عدد كبير شركة تنظيف بالبخار بمكة من المتعاملين مع الشركة
بصورة يومية وهى الواجهة الحقيقية شركة مكافحة حشرات بمكة للعاملين فيها ولصاحب العمل نفسه، ولذلك فهي في حاجة دائمة للتنظيف حتى تكون شركة تنظيف خزانات بمكة في أزهى صورة لها أمام العملاء نقوم بتوفير وسائل شركة تنظيف بدبي المنظفات العالمية التي تقدم النظافة شركة تنظيف بدبي والتعقيم التام والرائحة العطرة التي تعطي الراحة والانتعاش شركة تنظيف بدبي لجميع زبائن المكتب نوفر لك خدمة تنظيف الكنب شركة تنظيف بدبي والمجالس بالبخار وبالتنظيف الجاف افضل شركة مكافحة حشرات فى الكويت بأحدث الماكينات وأسرعها.

Posted by: mostafakhames at April 8, 2019 03:36 PM

توفر الشركة كافة أنواع المنظفات والمساحيق اللازمة والمستخدمة شركة تسليك مجاري بالكويت في عمليات التنظيف، وتحرص الشركة علي استخدام أنواع المنظفات التي تعد صديقة للبيئة ولا تضر بصحة الإنسان ويسمح باستخدامها دوليا وعالميا، والتي يتم بها تنظيف شركة تنظيف فى دبي الأرضيات والجدران والسيراميك وأيضا هناك المنظفات الخاصة تسديد قروض بالمفروشات لبقاء ألوانها، والمحافظة عليها فلكل عملية تنظيف شركة نظافة بدبي مسحوقها الخاص، حيث يوجد أيضا أنواع المنظفات الخاصة بتنظيف
المطابخ لإزالة كافة الدهون شركة نظافة بدبي والشحوم بأقل جهد،وفي أسرع وقت وبدرجة نظافة فائقة تبهر ربة المنزل و كذلك الاطلاع علي شركة تنظيف بدبي كتالوجات احدث صيحات الموضة لاختيار ما يناسبك منها و التعديل عليه ايضا حسب ذوقك الخاص فنى تركيب ورق حائط فالمنزل مملكة خاصة لصاحبه لذا فمن الضروري شركة تسليك مجاري فى الكويت ان تحرص على اختيار افضل الشركات شركات التنظيف فى دبي التى يتوفر بها المثير من اشكال الديكور و كذلك صباغ شاطر فى الكويت تضم العديد من المهندسين زوى الخبرة الواسعة و العمال المهرة كهربائي منازل بالكويت و الفنيين المتخصصين المدربين جيدا لتحصل على ما تريده بافضل جودة و كذلك افضل سعر

Posted by: mostafakhames at April 8, 2019 03:41 PM

تعد شركة تنظيف منازل بالاردن من الشركات المعتمدة شركة تنظيف بالاردن والمتخصصة في مجال التنظيف علي مستوي الاردن فني المنيوم بالكويت وعلي مستوي شركات كثيرة وذلك بسبب توفير الشركة لجميع المقومات اللازمة شركة تنظيف بدبي لخدمات التنظيف والغسيل كما تقوم الشركة بتوفير جميع انواع المنظفات والمساحيق ومواد التعقيم والتطهير شركة تجهيز حمامات سباحة التي تعطي افضل نتائج التنظيف المبهرة والمدهشة قبل أن تقرر ما يجب عليك فعله بنفسك فى شركة تنظيف مكيفات بالرياض عملية نقل الاثاث اتصل بنا أفضل شركات نقل الاثاث الاردن ضمن مهامنا
فنحن نضع حشائش على أغراضك و إذا كنت تقوم بالتعبئة الخاصة بك فستحتاج شركة نقل عفش بالاردن إلى الكثير من الصناديق والتى نقوم نحن بتوفيرها شركة نقل عفش بالاردن لكم ونحن نقدم أفضل الصناديق لأنها تكون متينة لها أغطية ويمكن تكديسها بسهولة ونحن نقوم بتحديد العناصر شركة تنظيف بالاردن ذات الأولوية العالية أثناء الانتقال هناك نوعان من العناصر ذات الأولوية العالية: ممتلكاتك الثمينة مثل الصور العائلية وشهادات الميلاد وجوازات السفر شركة تنظيف بالاردن الخ نحن نخطط لتعبئة هذه الأشياء ونقلها حتى لا تخرج عن سيطرتنا أبدًاو يمكن استبدال الأدوات شركة نقل عفش بالاردن المنزلية العادية في حالة فقدها أو تلفها إذا كان لا يقدر بثمن بالنسبة لك فعليك أن تحمله أنت ونحن لا نقرب له.

Posted by: mostafakhames at April 8, 2019 03:46 PM

تعد شركة مكافحة حشرات بجدة من أولى الشركات المتخصصة في التعامل مع جميع أنواع الحشرات فهي التي عملت على توفير المبيدات المتميزة شركة تنظيف بعجمان التي يرغب بها العميل و يمكنك أن تسأل عن تجارب العملاء السابقين الذين حصلوا شركة نقل عفش بالكويت على الخدمة المميزة من شركتنا و هذا لأننا نعمل على ضمان المكافحة النهائبة من الحشرات و في نفس الوقت واجهات حجر فرعونى نقدم خدمات متابعة وجود الحشرات في المنزل و توفير خدمات
رش المبيدات بشكل مستمر لكافة الحشرات مثل : البق ، العتة ، النمل ، الصراصير ، السحالي شركة تنظيف كنب بالبخار بجدة و الفئران أيضا فنحن نجتهد لكي نكتسب ثقة العميل و نوفر له الخدمة المميزة له للوقاية من الحشرات و التخلص من جميع الأمراض التي من افضل شركة مكافحة حشرات بجدة الممكن أن تصيب العملاء نظرًا لأن الفلل ذات مساحة كبيرة وأنها تحتوي على العديد من التحف و شركة عزل خزانات بجدة الاشياء الثمينة التي يكون من الصعب تنظيفها بمفردك فإنك في هذه الحالة يجب أن تحرص على التواصل مع شركتنا والتي شركة تنظيف منازل بجدة سوف ترسل إليك أسطول من اسطول من العمالة الذي يكون لديه حجر هيصم القدرة على القيام بأعمال التنظيف المختلفة في اسرع وقت ممكن وبجودة عالية.

Posted by: mostafakhames at April 8, 2019 03:51 PM

التنظيف يجعل أهل المنزل في غاية الرائحة افضل شركات التنظيف بدبي النفسية وذلك لأن اهل المنزل إذا لقوه في غاية التوسيخ شركة تنظيف بالاردن يهربون إلى الخارج أما إذا ظل منظف بشكل جيد افضل شركات التنظيف بينبع يجعلونه لا يهربون ويجلسون في المنزل وبذلك يكون استرجعت الجميع من شركة نقل عفش بالاردن النظافة الرائعة التي حصلت عليها من التعاون مع شركة تنظيف شركة تنظيف بعجمان بالاردن
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