Pacific Views

Two Cows

Okay, Brad DeLong has started with the Two Cows jokes. After I wrote the first two in the comments over at his post, I thought, 'why stop there?' It's a fun format and I needed a laugh, what can I say.

American public: You have two sick cows which you've leveraged to the hilt. The government is outraged that they occasionally graze near a billboard displaying a lingerie advertisement.

Ahmad Chalabi: "I had two cows, but that man stole them. ...Okay, they were goats. ...Well, they were somebody else's goats. ...Fine, they were chickens. What have you got against chickens, anyway?"

Howard Dean: You have two cows. The media accuses you of cruelty to animals.

John Kerry: You have two cows. The media accuses you of spending too much on their grooming.

John Edwards: You have two cows that have figured out how to communicate with humans by tapping out morse code. The media agree; they're cute.

Dennis Kucinich: You think you have two cows.

Al Sharpton: You know two cows. They visit for the salt, but live on a neighboring farm.

Dick Gephardt: You have two cows on the ground in Iowa.

Joe Lieberman: You have two cows. You talk often about how much you like sheep.

Carol Moseley-Braun: You have two cows. The 'bulls only' sign has been removed from the barn door.

Wesley Clark: You have two bulls. Your dairy farm goes broke.

Alan Greenspan: You were foolish to risk insolvency by agreeing to take care of the veterinary bills of your two cows, as I previously advised. The only solution I can come up with is to sell them to a meatpacking plant.

No Child Left Behind: You have two cows. Your business partner informs you that if they don't show an 80% increase in milk output, the farm will go to auction.

Treasury Department: If you have two cows, you can also buy milk from foreign cows, but you can't pasteurize it.

Diebold: You paid us for two cows. By law, you have to trust us when we say that two bovine quadrupeds are behind the door of this barn.

Caucus System: You have two cows. Each member of your herd of 100 goats gets a sixteenth of a vote (based on previous herd participation rates) on which cow tries to jump the fence, then each camp draws lots to pick which ones get to fight for the honor of breaking the news to the cows. If the undecided goats prevent either cow from getting a majority...

Okay, now you try. (With thanks for the tip to Kevin Hayden)

Update: The words 'as I previously advised', and a link, added to Greenspan piece.