Pacific Views

The Daily Show on Gay Marriage

Transcript from show, Monday, February 23rd. It took a while to get around to it, but Daily Show humor keeps exceptionally well ;)

Jon Stewart: For more on the gay marriage controversy, we turn to Daily Show senior moral authority, Steven Colbert. Steven, thanks for joining us, we appreciate you being here. Steven, obviously you're something of an expert on relationships. Having by your own count, been involved in over 300 of them by your, I believe, your 21st birthday.

Steven Colbert: And, 10 more on my 21st birthday, John. It was, it was quite a night.

JS: Steven, why has same sex marriage created such a furor?

SC: John, there's a simple fact here: marriage is a contract between a man and a woman. An often violated, easily broken, eminently disposable contract. Between a man and a woman. The minute we let gays and female gays...

JS: That's uh, that's lesbians.

SC: Them. The minute we let them get married, you're breaking down the last societal barrier between our world and their world.

JS: But, I think that's the point. I think the point is that when you break down those barriers, that's a metaphor for something positive.

SC: Look, Jon, he only reason my wife and I got married in the first place was because it was something gays couldn't do. Our wedding was conceived entirely as a giant homosexual taunt. But now, now the vows I made to my wife seem as shallow and empty as the vows I made to my three previous wives.

JS: But I'm not still seeing, and again, I haven't studied it like you have. But how do two people who have nothing to do with you, how does their personal decision impact your commitment.

SC: Well Jon, here's a for instancestance. [sic] My wife and I have been through a bit of a rough patch lately. Over the last few months, I've forgotten our anniversary, her birthday, on several occasions, her name. Now, I ask you Jon, is this because of some magic pattern of emotional neglect just dropped down from the sky to ruin my marriage? Isn't it the simpler answer that hundreds of gays were granted judicial permission to seek equal contributory benefits? Connect the dots, man.

JS: But Steven, ...

SC: Oh, and I banged her personal trainer.

JS: [shocked pause]

SC: I'm telling you, it's getting bad.

JS: Well then, I guess, you know, you feel so strongly, you would probably support the constitutional amendment banning same-sex unions.

SC: Absolutely, Jon. I know a constitutional amendment is a drastic step. But there's a societal trend out there I disagree with, so, what other choice is there? We have to defend the institution of marriage.

JS: Well, to defend the institution then, would you also support a constitutional amendment against adultery? Because that's really...

SC: Whoa. Whoa. Listen, comrade. Get your jack-booted thugs out of my bedroom. Or rather, one of several undisclosed bedrooms. And, one time behind the lat machine. That was awesome. She's really fit.

JS: Alright, Steven. Steven Colbert, we'll be right back...