Pacific Views

Party Threat Level Raised to Orange Daiquiri

Some friends of mine threw a party, and their announcement went, in part, as follows:

January 4 - Today, The United States Government raised the national threat level from an Elevated to High risk of party - or from Code Peach Schnapps to Code Orange Daiquiri. We know from experience that the increased security that is implemented when we raise the threat level, along with increased vigilance, can help enhance party activity.

First let me say that party security officials at all levels of government - federal, state and local - continue to work around the clock to protect our country.

The Department of Party Security has received specific and credible information that the militant group Al Qohol is planning a celebratory action in the Palo Alto area on January 31st, the 124th birthday of their spiritual leader, Jack Daniels. This information is specific and it is credible and we are giving it great credence due to its specificity. We advise all patriotic Americans to do so as well.

Our Department has been in constant contact with federal, state and local officials from around the country. Across the nation, federal, state and local authorities, and the private sector, have worked quickly to increase bartender presence and dispensing procedures, bolster critical beverage chilling infrastructure and activate Emergency Munchy Operations Centers on a 24/7 schedule. From New York to Los Angeles, from Las Vegas to Houston, actions have been taken ranging from sales personnel placed in bars, liquor stores, supermarkets, private homes, and other places of community gathering. There is increased surveillance at critical infrastructure sites, including breweries, distilleries, and donut shops.

As you know, last week Palo Alto authorities took steps to ensure the security of our beverage supply. Acting on specific information, BevMo #321 in Mountain View was raided and a cache of alcohol was uncovered, including 4 cases of beer and a 23 bottles of wine. We engaged in similar cooperative action with the governments of Sunnyvale and Redwood City, yielding over 3 bags of chips and a pint of salsa. ...

If only all our citizens were so attentive to our national threat level ;)